Couples therapy in the perinatal stage
When we still love each other, but something between us has changed
Trying to conceive, fertility treatments, a loss, pregnancy, the postpartum or the arrival of children can profoundly change a couple's dynamic.
Sometimes the change is gradual. Other times it arrives all at once.
You start arguing more, you struggle to understand each other, you feel you experience things differently, or that your whole relationship begins to revolve around the search for a pregnancy, the pregnancy, the baby or parenting.
And a feeling that is hard to explain can appear:
"We love each other, but we no longer know how to find each other."
Couples therapy can become a space to pause, understand what is happening between you and start relating to each other in a different way.
If you recognise yourselves in this:
- Arguments that keep repeating without being resolved
- Distance or difficulty understanding each other
- Changes in your relationship after a loss or the arrival of a baby
- Tiredness and mental load that cause conflict
- A wish to feel close again
The couple goes through this stage too
Each partner can experience the reproductive process and the arrival of motherhood or fatherhood in a different way.
One may need to talk while the other needs silence.
One may feel fear while the other tries to convey calm.
One may need more closeness while the other needs space.
And these differences, which don't necessarily mean there is a problem in the relationship, can end up creating distance, misunderstanding, frustration or repetitive conflict.
In therapy we will work not only on what you argue about, but also on what is going on underneath those arguments and what each of you needs from the other.
I can support you both if…
- Trying to conceive or fertility treatments are affecting your relationship.
- You have been through a pregnancy or perinatal loss and each of you is grieving in a different way.
- During the pregnancy more arguments, distance or difficulty understanding each other have appeared.
- Since your baby was born you feel your relationship has changed.
- Tiredness, lack of time or the mental load are causing conflict.
- You feel you have become mainly "mum and dad" and have lost part of your space as a couple.
- You have different ideas about parenting and this causes arguments.
- One of you feels they carry more weight or responsibility than the other.
- You find it hard to say what you need without ending up arguing.
- You keep having the same conflicts over and over without managing to resolve them.
- You want to feel close again and recover your space as a couple.
It's not about deciding who is right
In couples therapy the aim is not to decide who is doing well and who is doing badly.
The goal is to create a safe space for both of you, where we can understand how each of you is living this stage, what needs are coming up and what happens when you try to communicate.
Often, behind an argument that keeps repeating, there is tiredness, fear, frustration, a need to feel heard, or different ways of coping with everything you are living through.
Understanding what is happening between you can be the first step towards relating to each other in a different way and feeling close again.
Finding each other again as a couple
Being parents can take up a lot of space.
Routines, sleep, decisions, responsibilities, work, the mental load and the children's needs can push the relationship into the background.
That is why part of the process can also be asking ourselves:
Who are we now, as a couple?
Not necessarily to go back to who you were before, but to build a way of being together that makes sense for the stage you are in now.
We can work on things like communication, handling conflict, each person's emotional needs, sharing responsibilities, boundaries, emotional connection and gradually recovering time as a couple.
Online couples therapy
Sessions take place online, so that both of you can take part even when family routines or parenting make it hard to find time to travel.
Frequently asked questions about couples therapy
Do we both have to come?
Couples therapy is designed for both of you, because we work on what happens between you. If one of you has doubts, you can come to the free assessment call and we'll talk it through, no commitment.
Do we need to be in crisis to start?
No. Many couples come before the conflict is big, simply because they notice distance, tiredness or arguments that keep repeating. There's no need to wait until the relationship is in a bad place.
Can we come while trying to conceive, during treatment, or after a loss?
Yes, this is common. Each of you often lives the wait, the treatments or the grief differently, and we work on how you communicate and support each other through the process.
What are the sessions like, and how much do they cost?
They are online by video call and last around 60 minutes. You'll find the prices and the couples session packs on the Pricing & sessions page.
What if we argue during the session?
It's normal for conflict to come up. Part of my work is to create a safe space for both of you and to structure the conversation so you can each express yourselves and feel heard, without anyone being singled out.
Asking for help as a couple is also a way of caring for each other.
Free assessment call
If you feel your relationship has changed since trying to conceive, the pregnancy, the postpartum or the arrival of your children, we can have a free 20-minute assessment call.
It will be a first space for you to tell me briefly what is happening, for me to learn what you would like to change, and for us to see whether I can support you through this process.